It's time

I have never been a big soccer fan.
Actually, let's rephrase that. I hate soccer with a fucking passion. In fact, the only individuals on the soccer field I have any respect for are the goalies and the referees because they're allowed to use their hands.
And after ESPN (henceforth to be known as The Evil Empire - thank you Jersey Girl) jammed highlights and advertisements of Euro 2008 down my throat when all I really wanted was a Yankees-Mets score, I have decided to enlighten today's blog by listing some rule changes I would like to see to make the game more Hitman-Friendly.

Rule Change 1 - Add more balls.
This amendment has unlimited potential. Let's add three to start with including one that's a different color from the rest which counts as two points. Television could divide the screen up into four sections so as not to miss any action.

Rule Change 2 - Use a ball loaded with explosives and a timer.
Strictly geared toward the soccer fan who refuses to wash his Arsenal jersey until they beat Manchester United.
At some point, someone's going to die.
Play of course does not stop and there's no added injury time because, well, the guy's not exactly injured. And imagine the suspense.
Limit: one Decom-ball per game. We've got to stop the carnage somewhere.

Rule Change 3 - No blood, no foul
Unless the player's femur is visible, play continues. This speeds up the game and prevents players from faking injury. Should someone take a dive unnecessarily he opens himself up to an immediate pummeling by the opposition until he can get off or is dragged off the playing field.

Rule Change 4 - Shorten the playing field.
Currently, the official dimensions of a soccer field is roughly the size of Boston. Anything smaller would be greatly appreciated.

Rule Change 5 - Provide each team with one non-lethal weapon.
To be used, as needed. Acceptable items include: whip, stun-gun, rubber grenades, fogger, tear gas. Teams may employ attack dogs as a substitute.

Should all five rule changes be accepted, the following shall also be instituted.

Effect #1 - If the game is scoreless at halftime, an additional goal will be added at each end of the field. Teams are not permitted to add a goalie.

Effect #2 - If the game is still scoreless at the end of regulation, each team's goalie will be permanently removed from the game. This includes shoot-outs.

Effect #3 - The team that fails to score will be immediately disbanded following the game.

Don't even get me started on field hockey...